remember when i saw the antlers and i was alone. ok. yeah i cried a lot when they played shiva and i actually sobbed when they played epilogue it started out as a good sad cathartic kind of but it turned into a bad sad and i was scared and more lonely than ever. it was dark i tried to sit down on some steps and breathe again and i felt so bad because a security person had to come up and let me know it wasnt ok to sit down there. i understand it was a fire hazard and they were doing their job so,whatever. but it was scary and sad. so i left early.
it is weird to cry in public i do it a surprising amount. there have been a lot of times this summer when i tried to make ben pay attention to me and he wasnt willing and i walked home from work at like 11 just loudly sobbing. no one was ever around so it was ok. and of course on public transit. i feel like everyone cries on public transit, it is too sterile and also dirty, there is something about it that makes the molecules in my body freeze up and crystallize in a gross way
i am really scared to move i dont know why i just want it to be over so badly, i am making a bigger deal about it than it has to be. i should really just look forward to it as a day of adventure with lots of obstacles to overcome and gain exp points from and maybe level up, but im not a very good adventurer in real life, when faced with adversity and quests i just panic and stop breathing.
i have been talking about how i was unable to write for so long i dont know why i couldnt write. i cant process what happened w max in valencia, i just cant, i dont know if i ever will. and it makes me not want to talk about my summer last year or the fall at all because it turned me into this bitter and terrified person, like a dried up crabapple, kinda cliche but like?? you know…… and then i loved ben i really did but i avoided writing when i was with him and also being creative in general i feel bad its like i closed myself off i made myself less me so that i could be happy with him , i was less crazy but hey i guess. i was still a bitch.
i dont know i am so scared and sad right now. its a weird day. i really enjoyed the morning but i feel sick and disgusting right now, my head has been hurting for a long time and my eyes are swollen because ive been stress crying all day. i have a lot of bug bites on my feet everything is sweating and my room is a square that i am leaving behind, forever