i am what you need when you can’t find it somewhere else / i am what you want when you don’t want anything else
i am what you need when you can’t find it somewhere else / i am what you want when you don’t want anything else
most modernist european artists hated women so intensely that it makes it really hard for me to look at their work and appreciate it. ive given up. i dont appreciate it. it makes me feel nauseous
you’re my blood, you’re my holy wine
you taste so bitter and so sweet
the dominant narrative implies that when desire only moves in one direction, it is because we want things that we cant have. ive found that desire is unpredictable even within that narrative, that it can be drawn towards an absence, with capillaries bursting in different directions all the time. different ways to feel need or lust.
sometimes i wonder if something more menacing is at play. i dont know if i believe that we are all tangled up in that octopus, like he writes, but maybe we are all trapped by our own forces. true connection might be impossible but i believe in magic, souls, and stars, so i guess i can’t write that one out completely just yet. i do know: between some people there is a window and there is an emotional disconnect no matter how hard we try. why am i drawn to some people who i know have easily forgotten me? and why do i forget people who are drawn to me? i don’t think i believe the dominant narrative. i think there are rational explanations, but they are dark secrets i don’t know yet
i’d rather be dead than live with this buzzing darkness surrounding me forever
but that’s the future, idk, maybe things will get better
what a terrible thing it is to miss someone from ten feet away
a wall of ice between us glittering and reflective i can smell, in that way you can smell packed down snow at night in december (eyes teared up and nostrils burning) i can smell the bitterness and resentment all frozen up on the inside of that massive towering wall
what a painful thing it is to miss someone from ten feet away, memories seductive and petal-sweet
im so sick,
and how do we get rid of trauma? how do i make it go away how do i avoid spending nights curled up even in ur arms but completely separate from you & from the universe i manage to make myself no longer a part of this place i can make myself disappear
how do we get rid of it?
i dreamed that i spent the night in an empty cube there was a stove, there was a washer/dryer and there was you and i was miserable and i was trapped i woke up so grateful to be near someone else. but i was trapped next to you the whole time i was asleep and it was terrifying, i did Not Want it
i cant’ type, i dont have a phone right now. i oscillate between wanting to be totally inaccessible and being terrified because i need to have a phone to be in contact with all the people i should have stopped texting so long ago, i think , it is scary to be separate from the world in this way except honestly, i am not. i am still here.i just want to wake up and no longer feel trapped inside those arms that i let go of in may i dont want to go back to them again and again and again, the way i do
i dont want to return, i want to leave, i want to breathe through my nose and i dont want everything to feel quite so tragic as i usually let it feel
i want to go to the future please
i dont know but. how do we get rid of trauma? i could go into detail but i wont.
this is uninteresting but: pretty into fucked up desires,idk,playing w/ shame and lust and guilt and fear and regret
remember when i saw the antlers and i was alone. ok. yeah i cried a lot when they played shiva and i actually sobbed when they played epilogue it started out as a good sad cathartic kind of but it turned into a bad sad and i was scared and more lonely than ever. it was dark i tried to sit down on some steps and breathe again and i felt so bad because a security person had to come up and let me know it wasnt ok to sit down there. i understand it was a fire hazard and they were doing their job so,whatever. but it was scary and sad. so i left early.
it is weird to cry in public i do it a surprising amount. there have been a lot of times this summer when i tried to make ben pay attention to me and he wasnt willing and i walked home from work at like 11 just loudly sobbing. no one was ever around so it was ok. and of course on public transit. i feel like everyone cries on public transit, it is too sterile and also dirty, there is something about it that makes the molecules in my body freeze up and crystallize in a gross way
i am really scared to move i dont know why i just want it to be over so badly, i am making a bigger deal about it than it has to be. i should really just look forward to it as a day of adventure with lots of obstacles to overcome and gain exp points from and maybe level up, but im not a very good adventurer in real life, when faced with adversity and quests i just panic and stop breathing.
i have been talking about how i was unable to write for so long i dont know why i couldnt write. i cant process what happened w max in valencia, i just cant, i dont know if i ever will. and it makes me not want to talk about my summer last year or the fall at all because it turned me into this bitter and terrified person, like a dried up crabapple, kinda cliche but like?? you know…… and then i loved ben i really did but i avoided writing when i was with him and also being creative in general i feel bad its like i closed myself off i made myself less me so that i could be happy with him , i was less crazy but hey i guess. i was still a bitch.
i dont know i am so scared and sad right now. its a weird day. i really enjoyed the morning but i feel sick and disgusting right now, my head has been hurting for a long time and my eyes are swollen because ive been stress crying all day. i have a lot of bug bites on my feet everything is sweating and my room is a square that i am leaving behind, forever
sometimes i make bad decisions like maybe, in retrospect, it was poor decision making to get drunk at 11am and then stay that way while i packed all day, but u know, for real, im still gonna feel really sorry for myself in this second because i feel awful and i want to cry/die
one time (pt II)
- i fell so hard in love i wanted to cry, freezing in the backseat of the car with you and singing loudly and watching friends beat on the dashboard and feeling air force its way into my lungs and everything was ice cold blue and exuberant
- i thought i could float away into the clouds with your lips, from floor eighteen until forever. not forever. just two weeks in a coma until goodbyes that hurt the soles of my feet and the notches in my back
- or a lot of the time really i think about the words about going up to an apartment and it being freezing and being alone and dreaming about hanging like a star and glowing and bridges and it hurts a very special place mostly because it feels like a prophet is whispering into my ears
- a friend and i were walking because i started having flashbacks and getting scared because of words that never meant any harm, no, no, never. and i gave him my phone and my id and i ran and ran and ran until i couldn’t breathe and i fell on the ground and choked and got up and walked for a while until my head cleared and i realized i was alone and god i’d better get back to him because he’s gonna be freaked out and if he calls the police it’ll make everything worse. but he didn’t, and he wouldn’t, and he knows, and it was ok. i almost ran away forever but i didn’t. they tore down the playground i wanted to find though, i had just been there a week ago, and it was torn down when i got there
- certain songs about winter are buried in my lungs and i exhale them when i smoke i think
- i boy held onto my back in the most secret time of night and said that it was his favorite part of me
- i was drunk on the common and then i was drunk for the rest of the day, and i looked beautiful in white with flowers but not as beautiful as i might have looked sober
- he walked with me back from the park because i got real, real sad staring at the silver dancing on the water and it was nice to have someone to talk to me when i felt that low. maybe i sho-
- a boy and i wandered around for hours and hours and climbed trees and walked through the pink and yellow flowers and tall green grass and burnt up reeds and i spent the following week dreaming of seashells
- i sat with my First Boyfriend Ever on a hill by the cumberland farms and i felt electric and i remember that day as being gold and green and pure and all of the language i used to describe that time in my life is very much affected by how much bright eyes i listened to. i looked back on that time as being perfect, which is silly, but maybe it was.
- i got so SO so high with my best friend at a weird party on the twenty first night of september where a dude from california asked us to tell him if we liked his website design. it was only ok. she and i cuddled and i made her be big spoon and i felt very tense about it all but mostly excited for possibility. the next month we slept together for the first time, both of those nights were red and orange.
- my good friend gave me whiskey in a familiar place surrounded by curtains and offered me more than that and the night became much scarier when the familiarity left me and i lost control and, oh god. she and i have both grown from it, i think
- i threw up out of your car and sobbed about myself for a night. in the morning you drove a mile and got me tums and i spent all day under your covers and we ate ramen with goldfish. your nonchalance always hurt, but it was probably good for me in the long run. no one should take my dramatics that seriously.
- i found out about her and i had to do homework and i cried for an hour in the film loading room in the dark. i wanted to be home so badly to be around people that could feel what i was feeling. i wanted family.
- the city was silent and i was terrified. i went to a strange room and made a friend and got too drunk and made a friend i spent that night looking at screens and all of a sudden falling into a very familiar place
- there was a birthday and it was weird, and none of us were happy, and i wanted to win and i did. even in winning i felt like i lost and i looked up the next morning through a window that had a view much higher than what i was used to and everything felt sterile and used up
- i picked dandelions for an entire spring and held rough, calloused hands through northampton and hopped over fences to the cemetery and became scared of things and loved your smile
- my mother painted my nails red when i got dumped for the first time and it has become a ritual for me now. it’s easy to make it feel alive
- i dreamed about floods and fireworks. dreams are boring when people talk about them and so are trips. but not memories and i think one thing i love most of all is when you can spend an entire night talking to a person until the sun comes up about every moment of every second of every tragedy of every joy, oh, god, i don’t know, i should quit with the dramatics and the apologies. all of it gone and nothing left but whispers and pinkorangeonfire skies
i have been thinking lately of every party i’ve ever been to
sitting in a corner smoking cigarettes, being
exactly what i am because i like that —
i met a boy once who was really into pretending
like a conceptual thing god-i-don’t-know
looking at him was like looking through a paper filter
just shadows and coffee grounds
i think lately people have been exasperatedly sighing my name but only
because i’ve been paying so much attention
to that sort of thing
i’ve been dreaming about wild rice and windowsills
same as usual
sweat beading on faces and jasmine green
every time i go to a party i just get drunk and upset
trying to lose the god-i-don’t-know-whatever inside my stupid plastic cup
until all i can smell are pine needles
and i have to make a phone call or two at 4am
same as usual
and, i mean, i’m in no place to dispute him but
you did leave this book on my nightstand
so, to quote: “the air wouldn’t vibrate”
i whispered words in my sleep a little while ago
when every time was an accident
at first i blamed rubinoff,
and then i blamed finals
except all that was left was the silversettled sadness that creeps up
same as usual
fingers gauging out my eyes but
in a slow and easy way.
it rains every day in the summer
i end up in basements with some marlboro reds
and a strict god-i-don’t-know-avoidance policy,
i’m practically already blind
just do me in already
one time i drank a bottle of night train express (v cheap v bad wine) and ordered chinese food (i ordered SHRIMP i don’t even eat meat in fact i don’t generally eat dairy or eggs either and yet i ordered SHRIMP) and then i fell asleep before my order got there. woke up to my alarm going off at 7am to go to work. got refunded for my chinese food. fifteen missed calls. it’s been one hell of a semester, you guys.
one time i was in a pretty shitty end of a relationship that just wouldn’t end and the SECOND time we broke up for real i drank a lot of castillo and i argued a lot about art and spent the night being disgruntled and strange feeling and ended up kissing which made me feel more strange.
the first time i fell asleep in your bed accidentally i slept on top of both of your blankets and you slept in the other room. this was post third-breakup (i think)(but i’m not sure). the second time it happened, you climbed into bed with me eventually and that was okay. after that i started doing it on purpose.
i’m really good at falling accidentally asleep. i’m really good at wearing myself out. i should work on that. i should probably drink more water and less wine and eat more protein and less, i don’t know, heartbreak or whatever.
mike harrison texted me today and i thought about this piece. idk.
I like ur arms around my waist n I like ur lips on my neck n I like the way u look at me