getting out of bed and being productive is impossible when the world is terrifying and also a vast sea of ash
so many new followers lately who are you where did you come from what’s happening to me
“You don’t deserve somebody who treats you like that and I’m sorry that I’m just telling you this now. I didn’t really stop to think about how you’d end up feeling and that’s so shitty and unfair to you.”
“I’m very confused right now. I mean, I spent the last month getting over the fact that you, more or less, weren’t really gonna be in my life anymore. It took a while, y’know? You read those poems.”
"i didnt need a therapist, pauli. i needed a fucking friend. someone i could count on. and that person just hasn’t been you. sorry i had to drop this on you, but i refuse to be walked all over any more."
"you’re crazy. and you pour your heart into things too easily and then get bored or pissed off or mean or something or all of those things."
the fact that i am still breathing and life will go on does not feel comforting right now it is more of a HUGE DRAG
there are always several you’s, take all of them with a grain of salt or maybe sugar or maybe sand
softness and light i saw slowmotion you looking at me one morning in the shower beads of light & water coming from the sides of your face you looked like magic you looked like you were talking to god and slowmotion illuminated you looked at me and smiled and i saw in you all of the whitepurple amethysts and constellations burning a hole in my pocket like “does she love jesus?” “well she loves a lot of things”
- i was(am) broken broken broken i listen to the voicemail you left me that one time after we fought for the first time and i felt like i was meant to be with you because it’s phenomenal the way human beings come up with new & creative ways to hurt each other driving nails into my skin slowly and carefully, rust and ruin,
- i saw in you, but you didn’t let me in & you didn’t let me win.
- the first time You came over you looked at me with eyes like bottle rockets. we spent all night together without meaning to although Truth Be Told i followed you & wanted to be followed as well. a strange party where everyone kissed everyone and it was a goodbye and the goodbye was not for me and maybe THEN i should’ve known i wasn’t important (but i try not to think about it (because then i feel fingernails clawing at my throat (and that’s just no good))). i hid outside in a hallway of chipped paint and old green carpets and white painted wooden molding. with you & i & we played board games and read books aloud and you aren’t used to attention and you looked at me with wanting eyes and when he was wasted & biked to the north end you walked me home and when you walked me home i invited you to stay and then you stayed. and my, how you have stayed.
- gold dust i can’t help but breathe in & i can’t help but try to grasp at (9:40 trains make everything complicated but that’s the easiest part). if goodmorning/goodnight texts are any indication, then so are plant emojis.
i want to be buried under tidal waves of blankets and i want to draw glamourous crying girls and i want everything beautiful to stay forever. did you know? when you turned me into dresden? did you know? when you placed spears of ice under my eyelids? and i had to explain to no one why i was crying in front of the library.
it’s hard to keep perspective i guess,
one minute turns into a wizard of oz kind of hourglass and all of a sudden i’m hiding under my covers for a few days. i traced footfalls with you, that was making love, you and i both dreamed it.
it’s hard to keep perspective,
wrap myself up in this impending-winter-style coat and walking from brookline down to the city and your smell is all wrapped up in my brain from being all wrapped up in your arms for hours & hours & it feels like, soft/shimmering/all i want all i ever want.
eyelids grow heavy & please take this with a grain or ten of whatever style granule you prefer
this is the most harrowing semester of my life in fact everything has just become more and more stressful since i was like idk fifteen i’m not sure if there’s any point what if things only get worse from here will emotional stability ever come??? will i ever calm down and not just dive into people and then destroy everything?>?? will i ever just let things be and understand that things are okay and i can relax?
things will only get worse from here,i can feel it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is no time to heal
how are people capable of just letting things go??????????? how is it that it’s ok for some people to just like accept things? and move on??FUCK
i messed everything up so bad and now i don’t want to exist anymore
birthdays are strange and I want to be royal
just got done 2 layers of this print in 2 1/2 hrs can I get a hell yea
I taught you how to waltz
in your living room while your roommates were gone
and you held my hand the same way as when I cried on your chest for an hour
about everything around me crushing me like a
you’ve been so understanding since then
you told me once that you wanted to “be something” and
another time you told me that the world has filled the two of us with pain
and that’s why you needed some space
another time you told me that
you were scared you would be just another person for me to dive into
and then forget about
all of those things have scared me
and I don’t think I’ll ever not be scared by your revelations
parts of me are with you like
my earrings on your dresser
you don’t listen to me and, my god, I know
I haven’t listened to you
I don’t know what it’s like
to be an ashtray, but
I can imagine
i am vindictive and i am bitter and i am angry and i am confused and i am upset and and i am cold and i am toxic and i am unforgiving and i am so, so anxious and i am all these things about my mother that i hated and i am not used to this and i am a failure and i am pissed off and i am obsessed with death and i am full of rage & empathy & arrogance & i have been dating you for like two fucking months so what the fuck is wrong with me
wow!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8hrs of class can i get a frick yea
4evr making art abt sex & sadness