my mind is like concentrated negativity right now I’m so mad at you and sad in general and upset about existing. I get made fun of for being overly dramatic a lot but I’m just feeling very intensely right now and it doesn’t feel ok, I need help today but there’s nowhere to go that will help me. idk I wanted so badly to stay positive

when I wanted to kill myself most it was kinda like this (but worse bc I am not having those thoughts rn), not that I hate myself really badly or because I think I deserve to die, but because I have this intense feeling of hopelessness that I will ever feel better, and I’m in a lot of pain! it’s painful to exist right now. this anxiety is too real and I feel myself ripping at the seams

you’re not worth all this pain, you’re a [REDACTED], but I hurt, I hurt

i’m just not like, side girl material, u know

I don’t understand why I’m not being madly fallen in love with all the time??? like I’m a 10. I wore a thong.

i want 2 see u again so i can give you the most unforgettable oral sex,

what in GODS NAME IS MY Problem i cannot stop ugly crying over a DUMB BOY who could not care LESS ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!

i’m exhausted n i can’t sleep anymore and it’s this horrible sadness that makes that happen and also that i can do nothing about and it’s like , my pla n was to go to tasty burger and get really good at pool w you all summer and look what youve done now…

nd all i can think about is your ambivalence because maybe im being overdramatic but it just hurts so much and i can’t do anything about it.  you and whoever else, you’re going to fuck her and forget me, i know it will happen.  and in the past i’ll just be some crazy girl you knew one time in college your friends will be like “wow remember that awful girlfriend you had back then?” and youll be like “yeah good thing i ditched her” and it’ll be horrible

and i just can’t stop feeling this way and i want to be over it and goddammit i will not text you because it is so fucked, everything is so fucked, and you are sleeping with other people and my confidence is completely ruined like where did my self esteem go? i dont know i feel like u stole it all away from me

i’m like so shattered and fucked, i cant, i dont want this, i dont want to be a person anymore ijust want to transcend and i cant breathe right now and its all i can do to avoid a panic attack

f uck

eh idk im really done w this ex boyf shit like id like it to just be over & not care anymore ok thx.  its not like i need to hook up w someone else in order to get over it, idc…maybe it would make it easier. idk.  whatever everyone sucks and obviously im just going to assume that he is hooking up with girls since he hangs out w them a lot.  iiiiidk

" i do this thing where i think i’m real sick but i won’t go to the doctor to find out about it, cuz they make you stay real still in a real small space as they chart up your insides and put em on display. they’d see all of it, all of me "
by rilo kiley

kinda pissed @ the frances bean thing tbh…..like not because i want to defend lana to the death or anything ( i find her Appealing, but, y ou know….), but because i want to defend ppl who want to die, really..

so mny feelings abt ultra vapid/ultra boring danceable “indie pop” that’s been around for way too long now, it is the Death of Pop maybe (except there are still so many bangers coming out so its fine i guess) but idk how to formulate it w.o sounding like i dont like pop music (of COURSE i do) or w./e but im just SO BORED OF BASTILLE/OF MONSTERS & MEN/FOSTER THE PPL u guys & other such anthemic, high energy, self congratulating incredibly boring tunes

one time i made out w/a boy and immediately before he said “i’m gonna fucking wreck you” and i think about that a lot because it was strange and charming

i feel ok today like,

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i want to be like, beautiful & stoic & not give a shit when i sleep w people (like ben) except i’m so, desperately, fucking, sad, and i want to jump in front of a bus a lot of the time but i try to make sure there are small things i can look forward to

i want to like laugh in his face when he asks if i have feelings for him or if i’ve been sleeping w anyone else but all i do is sob and sob, when i am walking home from work or when i am washing dishes or when i am in grocery stores because i know that things are over, over

there’s no more holding hands together in public and theres no more laying on the couch and watching each other play video games and theres no more sharing showers and theres no more driving around with each other and theres no more going home after a long, long day at work and having someone to rub my legs and tell me im lovely

i just miss it/i miss you/i dont want to

trying to communicate how severe this feeling is & it is not working out

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I have these half formed thoughts about how Lana del Ray creates the same vast fictional narratives as classic rockers from the 70s and 80s did but about how she does it in this hyper feminine way that is off putting to lots of guys who are into that classic rock and i think it’s like, subversive and cool, but I need to think more about it. the fact that Lana is this completely fictional non-human person is v appealing