to stop myself from continuously panicking i took a bath for the first time in years and followed a ritual close to arabellesicardi's

Time does not heal/there are too many problems to solve/one step forward is to be ambushed by eighteen things pushing me back/I am trapped in this body/I am trapped in this universe/I want to wake up/I want to go away

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  • i feel insecure and unattractive, which is a bummer
  • cool how u dont talk to me when youre interested in someone else
  • i want to cry all the time, it is not an emergency
  • i wanted to hold hands again in back bay circa 8 months ago. i miss you being the place i could rest my head

there is a certain darkness, it is red, it hums. i am working on these and as i work i see over into a chasm, as i work i am driving up a hill that extends and extends and i cannot see the other side

the woods close in, the buzzing drowns out, the temperature climbs

just took screenshots of an old/interesting video on my photobooth

i am in bed and the
wall rises. ghosts
ask, “what has really been going on in
after all, where is the shining reed
or the dampened grass
spiderwebs stretch across gaps in
the ages
& creation. they hold, dearly, in drops
water, of wine

dew covered wheelbarrow
overturned in the hay

i am what you need when you can’t find it somewhere else / i am what you want when you don’t want anything else

most modernist european artists hated women so intensely that it makes it really hard for me to look at their work and appreciate it. ive given up. i dont appreciate it. it makes me feel nauseous

you’re my blood, you’re my holy wine
you taste so bitter and so sweet

the dominant narrative implies that when desire only moves in one direction, it is because we want things that we cant have.  ive found that desire is unpredictable even within that narrative, that it can be drawn towards an absence, with capillaries bursting in different directions all the time. different ways to feel need or lust.

sometimes i wonder if something more menacing is at play.  i dont know if i believe that we are all tangled up in that octopus, like he writes, but maybe we are all trapped by our own forces.  true connection might be impossible but i believe in magic, souls, and stars, so i guess i can’t write that one out completely just yet.  i do know: between some people there is a window and there is an emotional disconnect no matter how hard we try.  why am i drawn to some people who i know have easily forgotten me? and why do i forget people who are drawn to me? i don’t think i believe the dominant narrative.  i think there are rational explanations, but they are dark secrets i don’t know yet

i’d rather be dead than live with this buzzing darkness surrounding me forever

but that’s the future, idk, maybe things will get better

1 note • 6:30 PM


what a terrible thing it is to miss someone from ten feet away

a wall of ice between us glittering and reflective i can smell, in that way you can smell packed down snow at night in december (eyes teared up and nostrils burning) i can smell the bitterness and resentment all frozen up on the inside of that massive towering wall

what a painful thing it is to miss someone from ten feet away, memories seductive and petal-sweet